Urz
by FluffyCannibal
Summary: "I have a proposal for the ship," Grunt boomed. "I think we should bring a varren on board. They have their uses in battle, and it could make an excellent addition to the team." "Absolutely not," Shepard immediately replied. "This is a warship, Grunt, not a flying zoo" ...And in the meantime, Jack and Miranda are finding new and inventive ways to piss each other off. Comedy (ish)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer- Mass Effect is owned by BioWare, which unfortunately isn't owned by me. Although you should probably be thankful for that, because otherwise Mass Effect 3 would have been more about a certain biotic Canadian than the Reapers and set mainly in the shower room.**

**A/N- So...this was meant to be about Grunt, but somehow it seems to be half about Grunt, and half about Jack and Miranda. I intended for it to be a one-shot but it's getting bigger than I expected, so I'm making it two chapters. Hopefully to be finished tomorrow. Anyways, read, enjoy, review. Or read, don't enjoy, then tell me how much I suck. :)**

Shepard sat at the private terminal in her cabin filing yet another SpecTRe report. Usually she deferred most of this kind of work to her psychologist-come-secretary Kelly, but in the three days since Kelly (and various male members of the crew) had suspiciously come down with a particularly bad case of Scale Itch, Shepard had been forced to do the tedious work herself. She leaned back in her seat and sighed just in time to hear a knock at her cabin door.

"Come in." She called, sincerely hoping that whoever it was had brought coffee. The door slid open to reveal the huge, hulking form of Grunt, the only krogan, and by far the youngest, member of Shepard's team.

"Shepard, I was hoping to have a word with you." Grunt's deep voice echoed echoed around the (by normal ship standards) generously spacious cabin.

"Sure Grunt, what's up." His Commanding Officer replied, turning her seat to face him.

"I have a proposal for the ship," Grunt boomed. "I think we should bring a varren on board. They have their uses in battle, and it could make an excellent addition to the team."

"Absolutely not," Shepard immediately replied. "This is a warship, Grunt, not a flying zoo."

"But I could take care of it and it could sleep in my room. You wouldn't even know it was here!" Grunt's voice sounded almost pleading.

"Grunt, I am not buying you a pet varren." Shepard's exasperation showed in her voice.

"This is so unfair!" Grunt turned and stomped out of the room, reminding Shepard of herself when she was a teenager. Shepard turned back to her terminal and continued filling out mind-numbingly boring Council reports.

* * *

_Three Days Later_

"When I get my hands on that cheerleading bitch, I'm gonna rip her fu-"

"I get the idea Jack," Shepard rubbed her temples, sure she could feel a migraine coming on. "Look, I know you're upset with Miranda-"

"Upset? **Upset?**" The 'Psychotic Biotic' paced up and down the engineering subdeck, her body flaring blue with pent-up biotic energy caused by her bad mood. "Upset doesn't even begin to cover it, Shepard. You need a whole new word for what this is! That tramp stole my clothes Shepard! While I was in the shower. Have you ever had to walk through the ship naked?"

"Ok Jack, no I haven't, but I will deal with Miranda myself. This is **my** ship, I am the one in charge. And as I was saying, this mission is bigger than us, **any** of us, and however pissed you are with Miranda, you are going to have to let it go. The galaxy is at stake here." The pressure in Shepard's temples was rising.

"And what has the galaxy ever done for me, huh? I got the most screwed up childhood imaginable, I get thrown in a f-" Jack's voice was momentarily drowned out by the noise of Shepard sneezing, "-ing turian superprison, and now I get the pleasure of living on this travelling freak show with that Cerberus bitch upstairs, and a freakin' pubescent krogan next door. Screw the galaxy!" Jack was still pacing, wildly gesturing with her hands.

"I will deal with Miranda, and that is the end of it." Shepard used the most commanding voice she could muster, then turned and walked up the stairs, out of engineering, and into the main corridor. Just as she was about to reach the safety of the elevator, the door to Port Cargo, better known as Grunt's room, opened, and the young krogan occupant came striding out of it.

"Shepard! I'm glad I caught you, I want you to seriously reconsider your decision about having a varren on board. I went to the trouble of putting together this list of reasons as to why it would be a good idea." Grunt spoke, then cheerfully thrust a datapad into the Commander's hands and retreated back to his room. With her migraine now in full swing, Shepard half-stumbled into the elevator and went straight up to her cabin. On arrival, she headed straight for her bed and collapsed onto it. Knowing her migraine wasn;t going any way fast, she decided she may as well read Grunt's datapad.

**Reasons why shepard should buy a varren for the normandy**

**1- the varren have a pressure of 200 kriks with their mouths. this means that they can snap the leg of any nown species.**

**2- they dont cost very much to buy.**

**3- i can look after it and it can sleep in my room with me**

**4- they can be trained for fighting and are very good fighters**

**5- according to the extranet their are some scyentists who did some research and found that having animals can help increase morale which apparently means that evryone wwill get on more and that would be nice becasue i am sick of listening to miranda and jack fight all the time.**

**6- we wouldnt even have to buy food for it because it can just eat the bodys of our dead enemys on missions**

**7- they are very scary which would mean that maybe sometimes enemies wont fight us and will just run away instead and that would save thermal clips.**

The list went on for another 10 points, but Shepard got the message. Grunt wasn't going to give up on this any time soon. But, Shepard had far more pressing issues at hand. Like saving the galaxy for example. But right now, sleep was her main priority.

* * *

By morning the Normandy had docked on Tuchanka, and the first order of business of the day was helping Mordin find and stop his former assistant, Maelon. After completing the mission, and stopping off at Ratch's Wares to buy a heavy weapon ammo upgrade -and noting the strange disappearance of Urz, the varren normally seen sitting next to Ratch- Shepard headed back for the Normandy. Next order of business for the day: telling her Executive Officer that stealing team mate's clothes while said team mate is in the shower is detrimental to the mission and shouldn't be done.

"Shepard, what can I do for you?" Miranda's silky smooth, butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-perfect-mouth voice filled Shepard's ears as she stepped into Miranda's quarters. The young Australian woman was sat at her desk, presumably busy filling The Illusive Man in on every detail of every thing that had happened on the ship that day.

"I'm here about Jack." The younger, yet more senior of the two women replied.

"Ah, I had a feeling this was going to happen," Miranda leaned forward in her seat. "What did she tell you?"

"That you stole her clothes while she was showering, forcing her to walk back to her hidey-hole naked." Shepard leaned against the door frame, suddenly wishing she wasn't in charge of this ship and didn't have to deal with her 'colourful' team.

"Well, it's not like she wears much in the first place," If Aria was the queen of Omega, then Miranda was certainly the queen of snide comments. "But it's not true. I took those dreadful artifacts she calls 'clothes' and replaced them with a set of Cerberus fatigues. They're far more practical, and it's only a matter of time before one of her nipples falls out of that belt she calls a top mid-mission, and someone gets shot while you all have to stop and wait for her to put it back in again. It's not my fault Jack's so petty and immature that she'd rather be naked than wear Cerberus clothing." Miranda's tone was as self-assured as ever.

"You're both as immature as each other. Look, this is **my** ship, and I am running it as a military ship. That means no BS from the likes of you and Jack. No more stealing clothes, got it?" Shepard felt her renegade side coming through. Before Miranda had a chance to respond, Shepard turned on her heels and walked back out of her XO's quarters and towards the Mess Sergeant, praying he had some coffee left.

* * *

_Later That Day..._

"Yes mom...no mom...yes...yes...Mordin already told me that drell saliva is hallucinogenic to humans. Wait, how would you even know...no mom...I'm 29 years old, I can look after myself...well I know technically I'm 31 but I spent two years dead, so they don't count. But that's not the point..."

"Sorry to interrupt your conversation with your mother, Shepard, but there is an altercation occuring between Operative Lawson and Subject Zero on the Crew Deck which may require your presence to resolve." The metallic voice of EDI, the ship's AI came through the intercom in Shepard's cabin.

"Sorry mom, gotta go, I'm needed downstairs. I'll call you soon. Love you." Shepard terminated the call, and walked out of her cabin and into the elevator outside. On the one hand, she was thankful for the excuse not to talk to her mom. As much as she loved the woman, she could be very prying at times, especially when it cam to the younger Shepard's love life. But on the other hand, she was sick to death of having to constantly settle petty disputes between Jack and Miranda. Jack, she could kind of understand, the woman was young, had had a rough life, and wasn't used to serving under these kind of conditions. But Miranda was older, supposedly wiser, and the Executive Officer of a ship with a big mission, she should certainly know better than to get herself involved in this childishness.

_"This is absolutely ridiculous Jack!"_

_"Yeah, well, you shouldn't have messed with me, should you?"_

_"Exactly how old are you?"_

_"Not as old as you, cheerleader."_

_"It was **rhetorical** although I doubt you know the meaning. Too long a word for you to understand."_

_"Bite me!"_

Shepard could hear Jack and Miranda screaming at each other the moment the elevator doors re-opened to reveal the third floor of the ship. Grimacing, Shepard rounded the corner to where Jack and Miranda were holding their little slanging match and nearly fell over while attempting not to laugh. Miranda's hair, normally a dark chocolaty brown, was a mixture of blonde and orange, with a hint of green.

"Shepard, glad you're here to sort this out." The Australian woman with the ridiculous hair spoke first.

"Awww, does baby Miri need someone else to settle her arguments for her?" Jack smirked as she spoke.

"Can it, both of you," Shepard could feel her migraine returning. "Now tell me calmly, what happened here?"

"That _thing_ thought it would be funny to put some kind of bleach in my shampoo, then returned to the scene of the crime to check the results." Miranda spat out.

"Jack?" Shepard looked to the other party involved to get more information on what had occurred.

"I haven't touched the Cerberus Princess's shampoo. I was simply here because that big stupid krogan has finally discovered what jacking off is and I didn't wanna have to listen. Although, whatever that stupid bitch gets, she deserves after what she did to me." Jack's face was a picture of innocence while she spoke. It was a look that didn't sit well on her face.

"Wait, Grunt is what?" Shepard enquired.

"Jacking off. He's howling and grunting...I could hear it from my bed. I wasn't sticking around to hear how it ends, I got the hell out of there and came up here to relax." Jack aimed the last part at Miranda, who Shepard still couldn't keep her eyes off, and was fighting very hard not to laugh at.

"That is besides the point, look Shepard, it's obvious that Jack is behind this and it's simply unacceptable." Miranda spoke up.

"Ugh, fine, EDI, can you shed any light on this?" Shepard called on the AI who monitored the ship constantly, knowing that she would have observed any wrong-doing on board.

"Hello Shepard. I am afraid that due to some unexpected maintenance work performed on my observation systems, there was a 'black spot' earlier today where no footage was recorded on the third or fourth floors. Therefore, I have no data available that may help resolve this problem." EDI's voice rang out over the intercom.

"Ok, thanks EDI. And...you may not want to turn the cameras in Port Cargo back on by the sounds of things." Shepard thanked, and warned, the AI.

"There is a problem with the feeds on the Engineering Deck. Unfortunately, only the observation feeds from the engine room are currently being received. I expect to have the rest back up and running in a few days. I sent you a private message earlier detailing the problem, we may talk more about it if you wish, Shepard." EDI's bodiless voice replied.

"Later, EDI." Shepard nodded in the general vicinity of the nearest security camera, signalling to EDI that her assistance was no longer immediately required.

"Can we please get back to the point here?" Miranda sounded exasperated, and looked ridiculous.

"Miranda, you have no way of proving that this was anything to do with Jack. Jack, if this was you - and I'm not saying it was - then please, for the love of God, grow up. And both of you, put your differences aside. If you hate each other that much and really want to continue this stupid petty rivalry, then I suggest you do it after we've finished this mission and aren't serving under my command any more. Now, Miranda, go buy a hat or something, Jack, back downstairs, now. I'm heading down there, so no excuses." Shepard signalled at Jack to follow her, then turned back to the elevator. Fortunately Jack followed, and fortunately it was in silence. Shepard was in no mood for the pettiness to continue during their ride down to the next floor. When the elevator arrived, they stepped out together, Jack went through the doors to engineering and presumably down to her 'hidey-hole' and Shepard stepped towards Port Cargo, Grunt's room.

Shepard hesitated and contemplated knocking on the door before she entered. Although ordinarily she would just walk straight in, after all it was her ship, she was a little worried about what she might see if she did. Although she could hear nothing but the hum of the engine - meaning that any noise Grunt had been making earlier had now stopped, Shepard thought it best to err on the side of caution and knock. Just as she raised her hand to do so, the door opened and Grunt appeared. The look on his face was a mixture of tiredness, wonder and excitement.

"Shepard. Did you want to see me?" Grunt asked, shuffling out of the door, and making sure it immediately closed behind him.

"Yes, Grunt, I actually wanted a quick word with you. Can we step into your room?" Shepard gestured towards the door as she spoke.

"Um...it's not really a good time Shepard...can't we do it out here? There's no one else around." The krogan seemed almost embarrassed while he talked.

"If you're sure Grunt. Listen...this is kind of hard for me, I mean, I remember having this conversation with my parents when I was young. Uh...I realise you're starting to learn new things about your body, and I just want you to know that any...urges...you may have are completely natural. Well, I guess they are for krogan as well as humans, I should look that up, but anyway, I just want to let you know that if you have any questions, you can talk to Mordin, he's a professional and very discreet, or we could even go and talk to Wrex together if you would feel more comfortable talking to a krogan about these things," Shepard had been in some extremely uncomfortable situations before, but none as uncomfortable as this. "But in the mean time, could you keep the noise down while you're...exploring...it's making Jack uncomfortable." Shepard was glad her little speech was over.

"O...k... Shepard. Thanks." Grunt's pitch lightened during the last word of his sentence, almost as if he were posing it as a question.

"That's fine Grunt, I just want you to know that you don't have to be alone...I mean...it's fine to do it alone, I don't want to be here for _that_, but you don't have to feel alone. Wait...no...that sounds wrong too. What I mean is, you have emotional support should you need it." Shepard stumbled for words.

"That's great Shepard. Now I really need to go to the bathroom if you'll excuse me." Grunt looked and sounded bemused by the conversation.

"I'm heading back upstairs now anyway." Shepard replied, then the two of them walked into the elevator together. They rode in silence, Shepard noting that Grunt was holding in crotch in an usual way but pretending not to. The elevator stopped on the third floor, Grunt got out and headed for the men's bathrooms (Thankfully he'd got the hang of remembering which bathroom was which. If he'd accidentally stepped into the women's bathroom one more time Shepard probably would have had to throw him off the ship for breaking sexual harassment regs) and then Shepard continued up to her cabin to try and get some much-needed sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- Thanks for the reviews, I love you all, and I would bake you all cookies, but tbh I'd end up eating them all myself.**

The following day, all was calm aboard the Normandy; as calm as warship can be anyway. The team had taken out a Blood Pack base on some planet that Shepard instantly forgot the name of, then spent a couple of hours scanning for resources. Despite being possibly the most mind-numbingly boring thing Shepard had ever done - and given the soul-crushing exercise that was filing SpecTRe reports, that was saying a **lot** - she really _really_ wanted that super-awesome-fun-time weapon mod Mordin had the plans for. Satisfied with the day's work, Shepard rewarded herself with an early night. She was just drifting off into a nice dream where Collectors didn't exist when there were several loud thuds from her door.

_"Shepard, op-n this -ing door right fu- now or - break this - of - down,"_ Jack's shouting, interspersed with the loud bangs of her thumping on the door, filled the entire floor and quite possibly the rest of the ship too. _"That -ing krogan - jacking off -gain."_

Shepard groaned and heaved herself out of bed; she knew that an entire day aboard the Normandy with no problems was too much to ask for. She threw on a pair of military-issue cargo pants over her pajama shorts and vest and stumbled towards the source of all the noise.

"I told EDI to get you but she was all _'but the Commander's sleeping and I don't wanna wake her.'_ Well **I** need to sleep too. This is the second night in a row Shepard! I just can't take it! If I get hold of that overgrown lab experiment I'm gonna tear all four of his balls off myself!" When Shepard opened her cabin door it revealed Jack, once again pacing back and forth, ranting and raving, and glowing blue with biotic energy.

"Wait wait wait, Grunt is not an overgrown lab experiment, he is a valuable asset and an important member of the team." Shepard always felt a little defensive of Grunt. She was his battle-master after all.

"Yeah, whatever, right now he's a pain in my ass! Can't you put it back in that tank it came out of?" The static around Jack's body was reaching breaking point, and in her semi-conscious state Shepard began to wonder if it would cause a lightening storm on board the ship, mentally picturing fluffy little rain clouds popping up over Jack's head.

"He, not it. Let me go down and talk to him." Shepard said and signalled to Jack to get back into the elevator.

"Uh-uh. No way in hell am I going back down there and listening to _that_." The young biotic held her hands up in defense as she spoke.

"Fine," Shepard said with a sigh, "I'll drop you off on the Crew Deck on the way down. Now come on." Shepard ushered Jack into the elevator and hit the button for the third floor. The doors closed, then re-opened a few moments later when they had arrived at their destination. Jack stepped out and turned back to Shepard to say something when Shepard saw Grunt step out of the men's bathroom. Shepard stepped out after Jack and addressed the krogan. "Grunt, may I have a word please? Over at the table." Shepard nodded towards the mess, mentally noting that Grunt was holding his crotch again.

"Uh, it's not a great time, Shepard. Can it wait until after I've been to the med bay?" Grunt replied while eagerly shifting his weight from one enormous foot to the other. "I just need to pick up some of that soothing cream the Doctor keeps with the medi-gel."

"Ok Grunt, I'll wait for you, but don't be long." Shepard said, then turned to Jack. "You want in on this?"

"Giving a krogan the talk on the birds and the bees? Ha! No thanks Shep, I'm leaving that to you and going back to bed. Hopefully in peace this time. Night!" Jack stepped back into the elevator with a smirk on her face, and Shepard walked towards the mess hall and seated herself at one of the two tables there.

A couple of minutes later Grunt approached Shepard, holding the little tube of cream that he had gone to fetch like it was the most precious thing in he universe. "What did you want to talk about?" he asked while taking a seat opposite his battle-master.

"Jack came up to my cabin complaining about the noise you've been making. I understand that you're growing up and exploring new things, but you need to remember that you're far from alone on this ship and need to respect that your team mates need to sleep." Shepard said as she tried to keep eye contact with her young comrade, unsuccesfully; he was pretty agitated.

"I'll keep it down Shepard, I swear. There's really nothing going on down there." Grunt replied.

Shepard grimaced at the thought of 'down there'. "Like I told you yesterday..._exploration_...is a natural part of growing up. I'm concerned that you're hurting yourself though, I may not know much about krogan, but I'd hazard a guess at that not being normal" she said with a mixture of concern and sympathy.

"It's nothing, really. I'll be fine." Grunt seemed to be getting more and more agitated.

"If you insist. But like I said yesterday, you don't have to go through this alone. I'll try and help as best I can. I mean...not _help_ help, but...emotionally. Mentally. Not physically. Just to make it clear, definitely **not** physically." Shepard could command a warship, she could stare down Reapers, but she still couldn't find the right words to give a krogan a pep-talk on sex. "Anyway, it's late, you should go back downstairs and get some sleep. You go first." Shepard nodded towards the elevator - they couldn't travel together as they were headed in opposite directions.

"Thanks Shepard." Grunt called as he all but ran for the elevator, still holding his crotch. Shepard was so tired she contemplated just falling asleep in the chair where she was sat, but didn't trust her crew not to find her sleeping and draw on her face, so after a few minutes she got up with a sigh and called the elevator, then rode back up to her cabin.

During the ride, Shepard began mulling over her concerns for Grunt's well-being. She had no experience, and never planned on getting any experience, of krogan sexual practices, but she needed to know if Grunt hurting himself was something to worry about. When she got back to her cabin, Shepard switched on her private terminal and used the extranet to find out what time it was at Camp Urdnot on Tuchanka. Seeing it was roughly the equivalent of mid-afternoon, Shepard decided to place a call to her friend and former krogan comrade Wrex, hoping to find out some information on Grunt's...situation.

The call connected and a few seconds later a familiar voice answered, "Shepard! Need me to come and bail you out again? Because in case you forgot, I'm a bit tied down at the moment, running a planet and all."

"Wrex, always a pleasure. And no, we're fine right now. I actually called you about Grunt." Shepard said, smiling in spite of her fatigue.

"What's the problem?" Wrex asked.

Shepard rubbed her forehead in mild disbelief at the conversation she was about to start. "He's...uh...he's been...masturbating...and I think he's hurt himself doing it."

A roar of laughter burst through from the other end of the call. "Ha! The boy's growing up, what were you expecting?" Wrex was still chuckling.

"Yeah, laugh it up Wrex, but I'm genuinely concerned about him. I've seen him holding his groin like he's in pain, and I just caught him going to the med bay to pick up some cream for it. Is this normal?" asked Shepard.

"It's nothing to worry about, krogan do everything rough. I remember hurting myself a few times when I was young." The old krogan began laughing again.

"Woah, too much information Wrex." The thought of Wrex doing _that_ was not one his former CO ever wanted in her head, "Thanks for your help...I guess. It's getting late now, I should go."

"Suit yourself Shepard. We'll talk again soon." Wrex said, then the line went dead. Shepard made a lame attempt at undressing again, then collapsed back into her bed.

* * *

"...so if you could just get us those FBA Couplings, it would be great." Engineer Ken Donnelly asked of his Commander. Or at least, that's what she thinks he asked, she was getting better at understanding him but she had always struggled a little with Scottish accents.

_"Wha- the -ck do y- think y-re doin- down here Cheerlead-"_

"Aaand they're at it again." Engineer Gabby Daniels stated, rolling her eyes and looking down at the floor, in the general vicinity of the Subdeck.

"Those two should just hurry up and kiss. My money's on all this angst just being pent-up sexual desire." Donnelly said through a very wide grin.

_"- behav- unaccept- -ack, - have every ri- be here, I'm th- Exec-ive Office- - ship"_ The unmistakable sound of Miranda shouting at Jack was coming up out of the Engineering Subdeck.

Shepard rolled her eyes, massaged her temples, muttered an "I should go" to Daniels and Donnelly, and kept putting one foot in front of the other until she arrived at the bottom of the Subdeck's stairs.

_"Put my sh- back where y- found it!"_

_"Your posses- are -gainst Cerber- regu-tions."_

_"F- you Cheer-er that- -y stuff and you can't take it!"_

_"As Executive Officer it is my duty to take it"_

"Like hell you will, bitch!"

As Shepard got closer to the two sources of the argument the voices became clearer and clearer, until she arrived face-to-face with the two women involved just in time to hear Jack make that endearing statement to Miranda.

"For crying out loud you two! What the hell is going on now?" Demanded Shepard.

"That bitch is trying to steal my stuff!" Jack growled, pointing at Miranda.

"I am not stealing anything. According to Cerberus regulation 1357 these objects are not to be kept on board a Cerberus vessel." Miranda coolly replied.

Shepard looked at the 'objects' Miranda was holding up: a tattoo gun, a large knife and what looked like a bottle of moonshine. "This is my ship and I don't give a toss about Cerberus regulations. Miranda, give Jack her stuff back. I want the two of you-" Shepard's angry rant was cut short by the strangest noise she had ever heard. It was a mixture of growling, whining and something thrashing around, and it seemed to be coming from Port Cargo. "What the?" Shepard murmured.

"I. Am. Going. To. **KILL **that **FREAKING KROGAN!**" Jack yelled at the top of her voice, making a move for the stairs with a murderous look on her face.

Shepard put an arm out to block Jack. "Is that him...you know...?" she asked, astounded that anything could make a noise like that.

"Yeah, it's that overgrown freak of nature jacking off again! I've had enough of this sh-" Jack was interrupted by a particularly loud crash.

"Well that's...loud." Miranda uttered in astonishment.

"Let me go and deal with this." Shepard announced, then moved up the stairs and towards the main corridor, while the level of noise Grunt was making only increased. The Commander hesitated when she arrived at the door to Port Cargo, again unsure of whether to knock or simply go straight in. Deciding that walking straight in would be embarrassing all around - and possibly mentally scarring for her - she decided to knock. However, her knock could barely be heard above all the noise, so she grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and repeatedly banged on the door with it and hoped it wouldn't break anything. The noise appeared to be sufficient, as after a moment the noise died down, there was some scuffling, grunting and heavy breathing, and Grunt opened the door looking flustered to say the least.

"C-commander, did you need me for something?" Grunt asked. The young but huge alien was putting on a brave face but Shepard could tell he was hiding something.

"I was down in the Subdeck and I heard your..._activities_...and I wanted to check that you're ok. Can I come in?" The Commander asked out of genuine concern.

Grunt looked nervously over his shoulder before replying; "O-of course Shepard."

The two of them entered Grunt's quarters, Grunt nervously taking a seat on a crate while Shepard took a moment to look around. There were several crates stacked up in one corner, behind the crate where Grunt was sat. There were several scuffs and scratch marks decorating the walls and what appeared to be the remains of a blanket littering the floor. Whatever had gone on here, it had definitely been violent.

"Grunt...I..." Shepard was unsure of what to say, then she noticed that Grunt's arm was also sporting a fresh bite mark. "My God, Grunt, what have you done to your arm?"

"I bit myself. Yeah, that's what happened, that's why I was making so much noise." Grunt hurried to hide his arm behind his back.

"Ok, I don't care what Wrex says, this can't be good. Stay here, and...please don't do that again. Go see Chakwas and get that sorted out." Shepard ordered and moved back towards the door.

"No, really, I'm fine. I have some medi-gel." Grunt sounded almost pleading. Shepard understood why he may feel embarrassed about showing his injury to someone, and having to give the ship's doctor an explanation on how it had happened, so she simply nodded, murmured 'Ok', and left the room to go and seek the advice of Mordin Solus, the scientist aboard the ship.

* * *

"If I mix the- no, uneffective. Or the- no, could result in explosion of ship. Explosion bad. Or the- maybe- but no, could potentially poison human crew memb- Ah, Shepard, new weapon mod complete, ready for next mission. Working on possible nerve gas for Collectors. Anything else I can help you with?" Mordin spoke at the speed of light, as always.

"Yes. I've come here about Grunt." The Commander replied in a rather serious tone while taking in the surroundings of the ship's Science Lab, Mordin's domain.

"Ah, yes, krogan appears to be settling in well. Was observing him until minor malfunction fried deck four observation circuits. What's the problem?" The former STG agent asked, still talking too fast.

"He's...um...he's discovered the art of 'self-gratification'. And he's been hurting himself doing it. I've spoken to Wrex about it and he says it's normal, but Grunt's just bitten himself doing it. Do you know anything about krogan...sexual practices?" Shepard said, extremely uncomfortably. She was a soldier, and she was pretty sure that alien sex ed wasn't in her job description.

"Know some things, yes, as Wrex said, some degree of discomfort normal. Although krogan have redundant nervous system, many nerve endings in genitalia, linked to special nerve system, impossible to shut off. Some krogan, many krogan, indulge in sado-masochistic sexual practices, not normally considered normal part of growing up though, normally discovered during mating. Biting bad." Mordin nodded to himself while he spoke.

"That's what I thought. Thanks, Mordin." Shepard nodded curtly, Mordin nodded back, and Shepard left the lab. As soon as she stepped out into the CIC, she heard a familiar voice say her name. Turning, she saw the familiar blue orb that was the hologram of EDI appear in one of her 'hubs', next to the elevator.

"Shepard, I overheard your conversation with Dr. Solus and I believe I have some information that may be of use to you. It is Grunt's recent Extranet activity. It appears that he has been searching for topics related to sexual behaviour." The blue orb glowed that represented EDI glowed while her words flowed from the intercom speaker above Shepard's head. "I have sent some details to your private terminal." The blue orb vanished.

Shepard turned to the private terminal behind her to check the information. Opening the message from EDI, she was shocked at what she saw.

**Grunt's Recent Extranet**** Activity**

-Sex

-Krogan sex

-Krogan sex with varren

-Why extranet not let me look at krogan sex with varren

Shepard had seen enough. "EDI, tell Joker to change his course. We're going to Tuchanka." Shepard ordered.


	3. Chapter 3

"Tuchanka ETA ten minutes, Commander." Joker, the Normandy's pilot, informed Shepard over the intercom. "And you should probably take a trip down to the Crew Deck in the mean time. Guess who's arguing down there?"

"Oh for the love of..." Shepard muttered under her breath as she stepped away from her terminal in the ship's CIC and towards the elevator. "Thanks Joker." She said clearly and sincerely in the direction of the intercom while stepping through the elevator doors.

_"When I get my hands on you, I am going to tear off every last one of those tattoos and burn them. Then I'm going to gouge your eyes out with spoons. Then I'm going to take you back to Pragia and I am going to lock you up there and make a vid of the wild varren eating you alive you brat!"_

Just once, Shepard would have liked to have been greeted by silence when she got out of the elevator. Just once, she'd like everything to be nice and calm and quiet. But instead what she got was Miranda threatening to kill Jack. Then Shepard rounded the corner to the Mess Hall and saw why Miranda was so upset; Miranda's left cheek was covered in a picture of a flying cartoon varren that looked distinctly like a tattoo, and Jack was stood a few feet from her holding a tattoo gun in her hand.

"Shepard! I want that _thing_" Miranda continued, this time addressing the Commander but gesturing to Jack "Off this ship. _Now_!"

"What the hell, Jack? I assume this is your doing." Shepard gestured to Miranda's face and focused her gaze on the younger biotic woman, who was looking extremely smug and very pleased with herself.

"I figured that since she tried to take my tattoo gun last night then she must want one of her own, so I decided to give her a tattoo as a surprise gift while she was sleeping. I don't see what the problem is here." Jack said in a tone that suggested innocence, although the widening grin on her face said that she was probably anything but.

"And you, as a 24 year old woman, thought it would be a good idea to give Miranda, of all people, a tattoo _on her face_, against her will and while she's sleeping?" Shepard had to fight to stop her tone from becoming too condescending. However much it felt like dealing with a group of toddlers, Jack and Miranda were both adults and should be treated accordingly.

"Well, I guess when you put it like _that_ it sounds worse than it really is." Jack replied with a shrug.

"You defaced my body you bitch!" Miranda screamed, and Shepard realised it was the first time she'd seen Miranda truly lose her patience. "Shepard, she needs to get off of this ship, permanently."

"I'm not sure how many times I'm going to have to tell you, Miranda, but this is _my_ ship, _I_ decided what happens on it, not you." Now it was Shepard's turn to lose her cool. "But Jack, this is beyond a joke. I don't have the time or the patience to babysit you two." At this point Shepard was interrupted by the sound of males laughing. Shepard turned to see the aging mercenary Zaeed Massani listening in with two of the Cerberus crew members, and could have sworn she heard Zaeed mumble something along the lines of 'Those two don't need a babysitter, they need a goddamn hotel room!'.

"Keep your panties on." Jack was interrupted by a bout of laughter from Zaeed and company. "Oh shut up. Anyway, the 'tattoo' isn't real, I drew it on. It'll fade in a day or five. I just wanted to see you piss your pants over it, Cheerleader."

"You are absolutely-" Miranda started to shout at Jack but was interrupted by Shepard.

"ENOUGH!" The Commander shouted. "Miranda, that's the closest you're going to get to an apology so just accept it and move on. From now on I want you two to stay away from each other at all times. If I catch you in each other's quarters-"

"I'll be there to watch!" Zaeed interrupted once more but was quickly shut up by Shepard's death glare.

"-If I catch you in each quarters **at all**, or if I even find you in the same room at the same time without me having ordered you there, I'm locking you both in the Cargo Bay until we go through the Omega 4 Relay, understood?" The Commander finished. Miranda and Jack nodded and murmured in agreement. "Now, if you've all had enough of behaving like children, I have an actual child to take care of." Shepard announced, then turned back to the elevator and descended to the fourth floor.

Upon arriving Shepard walked to the entrance to Port Cargo, knocked on the door and waited for a response. After a moment she heard some shuffling, and then Grunt spoke from the other side of the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Shepard. We're landing on Tuchanka, Grunt, I want you to come with me." The Commander called back.

"Uh, now isn't a good time, Shepard." Came the reply from Grunt after a short pause.

"Please Grunt, it's important. I want you to come and talk to Wrex." Shepard expressed her concern for Grunt through her voice.

"I'm...I'm busy. I'm not coming out." The tone of Grunt's voice was almost child-like.

"You don't have a choice, Grunt. You're coming with me." Shepard became more forceful, knowing that the krogan would follow orders, but apparently she was wrong.

"I'm not coming out and you can't make me!" Grunt gave his final reply.

Having grown up on military ships herself, Shepard knew the pressures of going through puberty with little to no privacy, so rather than push the matter further, she decided to try a different approach. If she couldn't bring Grunt to Wrex, then maybe she could bring Wrex to Grunt.

* * *

"I see you've upgraded since I was around. Not many captains lose a ship and get rewarded with a bigger one." Wrex teased Shepard while they walked onto the Normandy. Fortunately it hadn't taken much for Shepard to persuade Wrex to come on board the ship to talk to Grunt. Just a bottle of Ryncol, an arm wrestling match and a reminder of the number of times she'd saved his life 2 years ago. "Oooh, and an elevator that goes the whole way through the ship. Classy. Remind me to work for Cerberus some day."

"**With** Cerberus, Wrex, I work **with** Cerberus." Shepard responded quickly. The truth was, she hated Cerberus and was only using them for their resources. As soon as she'd completed the mission she was on, she was going to hand the ship and as much intel as she could get her hands on over to the Alliance.

"Touchy subject, huh?" Wrex enquired.

"Would you like it if I accused you of working for terrorists?" Shepard asked, raising an eyebrow at Wrex.

"Probably not. But I'm not in charge of a Cerberus ship now, am I?" The ancient krogan Clan Chief replied, sharp as ever.

"Touche, Wrex. Anyway, this way, that's his room there." Shepard and Wrex had arrived on the Engineering Deck, and Shepard led Wrex to Grunt's room, Port Cargo.

"Wait, he has his own room? I never had one! This is discrimination!" Wrex teased Shepard some more.

"We didn't have one big enough for someone as large as you back then." Shepard teased back. Before Wrex had to chance to pretend that he was offended, Shepard changed the subject to the matter at hand. "We'll take the gentle approach, I don't want to frighten him. Let me talk first."

Wrex let out a low chuckle. "Frighten him? He's a krogan!"

"Just humour me, ok?" Shepard then knocked on Grunt's door.

There was some shuffling and banging on the other side, then Grunt yelled, "Leave me alone!"

Sighing, Shepard called back, "Grunt, Wrex is here. Me and him really want to talk to you. Is there any chance you can open the door now?"

"No. I'm...I'm...naked. Yeah." Grunt hollered.

"Open. The. Door. Grunt." Wrex's eye was twitching, the tell-tale sign that he was losing his temper. Unsurprisingly, he wasn't experienced in taking a gentle approach to getting the job done.

"No." Came the reply from the younger krogan.

Shepard could see that Wrex was about to lose it, so she spoke up again. "Ok, Grunt, we'll do it your way. Look, I'm very worried about the way that you're...developing...and we just want to see you and check that you're ok. You can't stay locked in there forever."

After a few moments of Grunt not replying to Shepard, Wrex re-joined the conversation. "Screw this. Grunt, open the door. I am your clan chief and if you dare to deny me then I will charge in there, grab you by the quad, haul your ass out into the fierce Tuchanka sun, and-" Wrex was cut off when the door opened and revealed an extremely haggard looking Grunt, hastening to close the fastenings on his obviously very recently put on clothes. Behind Grunt was a wall of crates, concealing the view to the rest of the room. "By our Ancestors, Grunt, you stink like a varren!" The old krogan exclaimed.

"Grunt, when was the last time you bathed?" Shepard jerked her head back at the stench that was emanating from Grunt's room. "Look, anyway, this...exploring you've been doing isn't healthy. Especially with that huge bite you've given yourself on your arm, and-"

At the mention of the wound on it, Grunt tried to quickly hide his arm behind his back, but quick as a flash the older krogan grabbed hold of it. "He didn't do this to himself." Wrex said slowly. "This is from a varren. And that isn't a lack of Grunt's personal hygiene that I can smell, it's an actual varren." Wrex let go of Grunt's arm and charged through the wall of crates, which were no match for the head of Clan Urdnot. The crates tumbled to the floor and revealed a large varren sitting patiently in the opposite corner of the room. "There's your problem."

"What...Oh my...Wrex, I didn't tell you...Grunt...I looked at his Extranet search history, he'd been searching for 'krogan mating with varren'. There's been an outbreak of scale itch on the ship, Mordin said it's a sexual disease carried only by varren...Oh dear Lord..." Shepard's expression was a mixture of shock and horror, and she couldn't take her eyes off of the animal sat in the corner.

"This is worse than I thought." Wrex face-palmed, then addressed Grunt. "Look, I can understand that maybe whatever Okeer taught you about sex and mating got screwed up. But listen. Mating with your hand is acceptable. Mating with a varren is most certainly NOT."

"Mating with my hand?" Grunt bellowed in confusion and horror. "Mating is something to be done with females! And I would never try to mate with a feral beast such as this. What is wrong with you two? I'm not the one who has something wrong with them, you two are!"

"We are your Clan Chief and Battle Master and you will never talk to us like that again you pyjak!" Wrex growled back.

"Wait, wait. What's been going on in here for the last few days Grunt?" Shepard asked.

"When you said I couldn't have a varren on board, I decided to try and prove my idea was right. When you were off fighting with the Salarian I went to get us a varren. I found this one with that guy Ratch. Ratch said the varren's called Urz and doesn't have a home so I took it with me, put it in a crate and smuggled it on board, told EDI the crate was full of food supplies I bought for myself. He's been living in here, but he's a bit...wild. He keeps trying to mate with my leg, he's been scratching the walls, he's been making loads of noise, he ripped up blankie- I mean, my blanket. I don't think I can control him. But I assure you, I was NOT trying to mate with the thing. That's disgusting." Grunt explained, his face souring at his last line.

Shepard slowly nodded. "Ok Grunt, but that doesn't explain why you keep grabbing your quad like it hurts."

"He keeps biting me there. I don't know why and I tried to make him stop, but he won't." Grunt looked over at Urz, who got up from the corner and bounded towards Grunt and lept up at him, attempting to lick his face.

"Do you understand now why I told you that you can't bring a varren on board?" Shepard asked in a tone of voice that reminded her of her mother,

"Yes Battle Master." Grunt replied.

"Wrex, can you take Urz back with you?" Shepard turned her attention to the older krogan.

"No, let me keep him just a little bit longer? Please Shepard? I'm sure I can train him-" Grunt pleaded, but Shepard put her hand up to silence him.

"Grunt, I told you before, this is a war ship, not a flying zoo. Urz doesn't belong here and I'm sorry but he's going to have to go back to Tuchanka." Shepard said in a voice of authority. Grunt was visibly upset but didn't put up any more of an argument.

"Right, come on Urz. And, ha, Shepard, I always tell you that you worry too much. But Grunt, you disobey your Commander again and you'll have me to answer to. Understood?" Wrex bore his eyes into Grunt's, who meekly nodded in reply. "I'll see myself out. Hey, this thing...stop it from humping my leg!"


End file.
